An Open Letter

To someone who’ll probably never read it.


Dear whatever you name is,

As much as I would obviously love to meet you in the truck stop tomorrow night for an hour long bunk up extravaganza in the cab of your lorry, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make it.

I would also like to take this chance to thank you for your incredibly generous offer. It touches me deeply to know that you are such a giving and selfless person that you would offer me 40% of my hourly fee for an hour in such salubrious surroundings. You really shouldn’t have.* You truly are a prince among men.

I would just like to apologise again for my inability to accept your booking on this occasion, but I’m washing my hair and of course I really just can’t cancel that. In fact, you’ll find (if you ever contact me again) that I wash my hair quite often.**


Love and kisses




*No, you really shouldn’t have

** And I’m sure that if it’s not hair wash time, I can find lots of other things I’d rather do, like sharpening matchsticks and shoving them under my fingernails with a mallet.