Or “How Not To Annoy Me Before We’ve Even Met”
1. Don’t Tell Fibs.
Hi, I read your website. How much do you charge?
No you didn’t. If you had read my website, you would know that your question is answered there.
2 & 3. Speak English and don’t tell me to text back.
I wd luv 2 fuk u. TB
I’m not 15. I don’t understand your daft non language and I don’t respond well to orders.
4. You are not a pirate and my name is not Attila.
The only way I will allow “Yo” to pass through the fuckwit filter is if it is followed by “ho ho and a bottle of rum” and your name is Jack Sparrow. I am not your “hun”.
5. I do not run a premium rate number.
Tell me all the things you’re gonna do to me baby
No! Just no. One of these days I will get myself a premium rate number and when I do, you will be very welcome to call me for wank fodder. Until then, you can search the web for porn, just like everyone else does.
6. I am not sitting by the phone, waiting for your call.
Can you come and see me in twenty minutes?
No, I can’t. I need to shower and wash my hair and make myself look human presentable. I need at least a week a couple of hours notice.
7. Re number 6: A hard on won’t sway my decision.
But I’m horny now!
That’s nice dear.
8. I do not own a Lear jet.
I want to see you in Elgin in 1 hour please.
Actually, this one is do-able if someone would like to buy me a speedboat.
9. My site is not a dating site.
When you’re not working, maybe we could meet up for hot sex
No. We absolutely can’t.
But I’m young and well hung!
Young doesn’t particularly float my boat and if you keep annoying me you won’t have the latter problem for long.
10. Don’t haggle, this isn’t a car boot sale.
You’re not exactly young or skinny. I’ll give you £40
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. …breathe… …bwahahahahahahahahahaha…
Ok, I’m done.
I have purged.
Thank you for listening.
As you were. 🙂